Sunday, December 22, 2013

Allowing Jesus to Save Me

I feel impressed to share an experience from one of the most painful times of my life, though for what reason the Lord would have me share it I do not rightly know.  There was a time, when post traumatic stress was at its height, when I was striving to heal, had exerted all the trust and faith I had, coming away a wholly broken woman and desperately needing rescuing.  I had time and again exerted faith that something would help me, that God or man would save me from the hell that had become my daily life only to find myself disappointed and feeling utterly rejected.  As one might imagine I began to place barriers around me, afraid of trusting again and taking a chance of further anguish.  I did what many people have done and decided that I wanted someone to force me to feel better, tear down the barriers of fear I had created and prove to me despite all my fearful resistance that there was indeed hope. 

I had become even too fearful to trust in God or to allow the kindness of the Lord Jesus Christ to touch me.  I wanted immediate and astonishing results, even violently powerful if necessary.  I felt I had done enough, suffered enough while trying to be Christlike, and that I deserved God to intervene and miraculously cast all of my fears, pain and inhibitions aside.  In this state I didn't want to do any more than I had done already or try to trust the Lord anymore.  And in despair and pain I fell to my knees in prayer and wept.  The answer I received, calm, gentle, and very firm was, "Even I can't save you if you don't let Me." From that day I fearfully and trembling, in miniscule steps, began to allow the barriers of fear begin to soften and then fall away.

We often feel that we need someone to force us to feel better in spite of our fears and stubbornness.  I have often counseled people who, in spite of having many proofs of love around them still refuse to see it or allow it to touch them unless it comes in the way they dictate and desire.  But it doesn't always work that way and the more we try to vie for our own way, regardless of the situation or extremity, the more we often sabotage ourselves and our personal progression.  The love of God stands always beckoning; it is for us to let go of our agendas and reach out for His hand.