Many years ago a junior high school girl sat alone on the shaded concrete, hiding from the bullies who so frequently pursued her. Leaning her head back against an equally friendless and blank grey wall she fought back the usual tears and reviewed her life for the millionth time. It was in those moments that she reorganized her thoughts and tried to find a course for her life. And again the usual understanding came when she made the mental account of the state of her situation. God loved everyone else. That was true. He was perfect and of course would love everyone. Except her. That was also true. It wasn't because of how the other kids treated her. It wasn't due to any of the circumstances around her. It was simply the fact she had long felt and the emptiness she experienced when she sought to find love from this great and powerful Being who loomed above her in the untold heavens. He hated her. He wanted nothing to do with her. It was simply the fact she understood and knew beyond any doubt. She felt that God would never accept her and didn't want her as part of His kingdom. She felt that she might choose to be an evil person that she might gain acceptance from somewhere, since striving to be good would surely avail her nothing in the way of the spiritual love and acceptance she so desperately craved. She didn't believe that it was possible for her to be much of a success as a righteous person anyway.
But considering all these things, she at length came to the solid decision that though God would never love her and though she might find success in being low, vile, evil, rude and grating, she would never turn that direction. She had to do what was right simply because she knew it was right and evil person though she was, her soul needed to do rightly. Even if she were the lowest servant in a tiny corner of unmerited heaven with a God that despised and ignored her, she had to do what was right in order to be true to her soul.
I stood up, brushed off my disheveled clothes, grabbed my backpack and headed off to my English class. It took me years to understand not only that God loved me more passionately than I had even the capacity to accept or comprehend but that He had never abandoned me. In those moments when it seemed deaf heaven had slammed its doors against me and threw me to the buffetings of Satan the Lord had never left. He was watching tenderly, allowing me to stumble and trip my way upward without realizing it. He was allowing me to find out for myself which road I would take, not for gain or reward, but because it was what I needed to do. He had faith enough in me to allow me to feel alone and unloved because somehow He knew infinitely better than I did that I could come out of it triumphantly. He respected me enough to let me make my own decision in what I wanted to be and which leader I wanted to serve. And the same is true of you. Not one of us is exempt from the tender loving care of the Master. Years may transpire without a confirmation of God's love but when that happens I would encourage you to rejoice and be exceedingly glad for once we pass through that trial of agonizing fire and body shattering ice the warmth and strength of His incredible love will prove ever more meaningful and we will learn that it was never really gone in the first place.