Thursday, February 19, 2015

Committing Suicide

My mind drifted backward in time as my car sped toward the office and I recounted the story that transpired some months ago near that area.  A man, driven to distraction by heaven knows what drove his car straight into a tree and, finding that the collision had not killed him, pulled out a gun and finished the job.  My coworkers refrained from telling me for fear of upsetting my already trauma ridden nerves.  It was considerate of them, though in truth while my nerves are easily upset by things like viewing domestic abuse I am quite comfortably in my element when confronted by ordinary violence and especially suicide.  

After my high speed accident with a semi, my lawyer insisted I see a psychologist.  Among other things I recounted to the doctor how I had suffered from severe depression for 16 years and had been suicidal for eight of them.  He looked at me amazed and told me that it was clinically impossible to break through the chains of depression for good, and yet here I was, quite obviously what my father has come to call "the eternal optimist."  God can change our weaknesses into our strengths.  The good doctor also requested I write a book recounting how this transformation came about that others might learn and be healed.  Perhaps one day I will, but for the moment I would like to address those who like myself and this unfortunate man find themselves contemplating the destruction of their own lives.

I want you to know that I care about you.  True it is that I do not know you by name but in all sincerity I do not have to just yet.  I know that the sadness is so deep that it torments every shred of your soul and body.  I know that the pain wracks you so deeply that it aches and makes it sometimes impossible to pull yourself out of bed.  I know that your mind feels disheveled and you feel that no one understands at all or cares enough.  I know it feels that no matter what you try to do or say you can't get people to quite understand what you are going through and that they just don't get it.  I know you feel it would be a relief to be destructive to yourself or to other things.  I know you feel it would release the tension that is continually and unbearably within you.  But I also know that this mode of thinking is a spinning circle of pain that won't come to an end if a wrench isn't thrown into it.  You hold that wrench in your hand.  You hold the power to stop the pain, not through suicide but through exerting all the strength you have and then some over and over and over again in reaching for the light.  Where is the light?  You will find it on your knees - maybe not much at first, and maybe it will take years of prayer but then you will see a small speck that slowly and painfully leads to a free, open meadow of overwhelming joy.  It is possible, I promise.  I know you are looking for a friendly hand to pull you out of the anguish in which you find yourself.  Take mine and know that you will find a friend and not a judge.  My prayers go out to you and may you soon find yourself on your way to that healing of spiritual light you so desperately need.

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